Can ya tell I'm pissed? Over a week of planning and not one of them bastards had the fucking courtesy to tell me, "Sorry, can't make it." No, it's just complete fucking silence and lies. The silence I can understand. After all, I'm the biggest bitch you'll ever know when you just fucking bail on me. IT'S THE LIES!
Did you assholes really think I was so dumb that I wouldn't find out? Well, obviously, I see how you all really think about me. Guess what. Yeah, fucking guess.
As for the rest of the night, it sucked. There were only two high points:
1) I met up with Jodie at the new Outland. Well, maybe not new, but certainly gothy and fun. Something about the mind-numbing music that just makes everything OK. Well, that and Jodie. She's such a sweet person!
2) I met Keith. On that, I say nothing else. I guess if you want or really think you need to know, I'll send you an email. Otherwise, he remains the 1 thing about that night I keep for myself.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Drag Queens, Lesbians, Straight Boys and Me II
Sorry it's been so long. I know I've been remiss in finishing this lovely story and now it's been two weeks since the fun and everything is getting hazy. On the flip side, tho, I'm taking a large group out tonight. I'll call the next one "Gypsies, Tramps, & Thieves". Simply put, it's gays, lesbos, and str8ies. LOL.
Anyway, on with the show, after an intermission for my caffeine fix:
So where did I leave off. Oh yeah, the "I'm straight!"
Of course, you shoulda seen the look on my face. So I turn and look and there is this guy sitting over there, glasses, beard, decent clothes. But very str8. Of course, here I go. I start working on him, giving him the "I know you say you're str8, but you're in gay bar and I'll convert you" routine. Yes, I know you all know what that is. Hell, I'm sure you've all worked it a few times yourself. If you haven't, you should. It's a MIND SCRAMBLE.
So I find out that he's there with this group of people. The lesbian I told the tale to, two str8 girls, and a gay man. The str8 man is the gay man's employee. They had all been at the same drag show we had.
I tease and torture him about wanting to try the dark side (for him) so he could see what it's like and all. He denies it, of course. So my final parting shot is, "You know, you should just go ahead and do your underling here. No one will ever have to know and it will be your little secret."
Then I turn to the gay man and say, "Then, whenever you want a raise, you can just go to him." Ah, double entendres, my specialty. No one got the dual meaning except the str8 man. OMG! It makes me wonder just how str8 str8ie is...
At this point they go back inside and it's all over and done with.
Amber then asks, "Are those two over there really lesbians?" I look and say, "Um, yeah. The one on the right is. The one on the left is working to become a man." That's all I'm going to say on that. I made a major faux pas and I'm not going embarrass myself further by repeating it.
As we are leaving the patio, I see the guy I sorta kinda went out with several weeks ago (see "A Friday with Bagelbuoy" at http://bagelbuoy.blogspot.com. I tell him what Amber said and I once again reiterate, "Other than the one fluke, there are no str8 men here!"
"I'm straight!"
AAARRRGGGHHH. What is this, a conspiracy to make me look stupid???
So I turn my body and... OMG, this guy is HOT, with a double capital HOT. Dark hair and eyes, pale skin, fucking nice body (dude has to work out a LOT). Tasty! I really don't remember all that I said after that. I mean, c'mon, 4 rum and cokes and 5 jell-o shots later I'm looking at the most delicious specimen of maleness I have ever seen (sorry guys).
I'll give a synopsis of what I said. I did the whole str8 guy gay bar routine. Of course he laughs (lemme melt). I finally said, "Look, just give me 5 minutes in some dark corner. After that, you can go back to your girlfriend (who is nearby, lucky dog that she is). BUT, once you have good dick, you'll never go back to chick."
"But I've already got myself a good dick," he replies in that mind-fuckingly sultry bedroom voice of his, as he looks at my crotch then his.
"Really? If it's all that good, let me have a ride on it and I'll tell ya."
LOL, dude's face went completely blank. Then there was a smile, almost like he was thinking OK, then a twinkle in his eyes, and a full belly roaring laugh. "OMG," he says. "I knew you were thinking that, but I didn't think you had the balls to say it out loud!"
Shortly after this, when it's obvious that he isn't going to do anything with this "girlfriend" around, we say goodbye. He turns back to his friends and Amber and I leave the patio. Before I do, however, I just can't help with one last parting repartee. A physical one. I place my hand on the right butt cheek, move it across to the left butt cheek, and give it a nice, firm, squeeze. He turns and looks at me with a look like, "Who the FUCK is touching me", but he smiles real broad when he sees me and it's all OK.
After we're inside and Amber and I are getting all school girlish about the hottie, she's like, "Look." I look around but don't see anything. "OMG, look at that." I look around, but still it's niente. "Over there! BUTT CHEEKS!!!" So I finally see what's she's getting all googly about. There's a dude, wearing chaps and a thong, butt cheeks flapping in the wind.
"So? You see that all the time in here!" OMG, str8 girls are sooo fun.
Anyway, I get another drink (note: now 5 rum and cokes and 5 jell-o shots and I'm still coherent!) and head to the smaller bar that I like to call the make-out spot. We sit and talk about a variety of subjects totally unrelated to the topic of the story, when she says, "There's your new boyfriend." I look where she's pointing and there he is, 2d str8ie from the smoking patio. So, we sit there, talking. Well, she's talking, I'm making grunting noises as I watch that stud and imagine all the wickedly wild things I want to do to him.
As I'm watching, tho, I see that's he's talking to a guy I know. Well, sorta kinda know. Let's just say that I've seen him around, I've seen him almost naked (fucking nice chest), but have never "known" him. He's talking to Hottie. As I'm watching, Nice Chest leans forward, Hottie leans forward, and it looks like they kiss. OH NO HE DIDN'T! As Mr. Nice Chest leaves, I race down the steps and say, "What the hell was that?" At this point, my inner diva comes out and I start playing the jealous little queen.
"Uh..."
"You're 'not' gay and you give a kiss to the biggest manwhore in the bar? Dude!"
"I didn't kiss him."
"I was up there, I saw the whole thing!!!" I point toward Amber and she waves with that cheesy smile of hers.
"We didn't kiss. Honestly!!!"
"Uh huh!" I've got one hand on my hips and I'm waving one finger in his face. You ALL know what that is like. "You just stay right here. I'm going to keep an eye on you." I give him the once over (twice), "Two eyes, actually!"
The whole time I'm doing this he's laughing with me. He's not taking me serious and I'm not being serious. I go back up to where Amber is and sit a flounce. Then I get all schoolgirlish with her. HOWEVER, Hottie doesn't move from that position for the rest of the night. Also, somehow, he managed to keep that body of his in unrestricted view, until his girlfriend comes back.
In time, Amber is ready to leave. The big hookup is about to begin, and I try to tell her that we want to stay to see who is going home with whom, but she just doesn't care. As we are leaving, I stop and make one last play for Hottie. "How about this. You, me and girlfriend in a threesome. She can get her thing on with you, I can get my thang on with you, and you can decide which you like better. Then, you can do her up the hoohoo and I'll do you up the woowoo and everyone will be satisfied."
For a second, just a second, I see the temptation in his eyes. But then skank hugs him and starts rubbing his chest with one hand and the temptation is gone. Bitch just wouldn't play the game! Unless, of course, she knew he would like it too much...
Anyway, I say, "Fine, you can go home with her and get your groove on. But I gotta go home with this so she can get her groove on with her husband. What do I get, Mr. Left Hand?"
"Aww, I'm sorry. I'll give you a hug."
Exsqueezeme? "You so kind." He gives me a nice, long, manly man type of hug. I was SOOO tempted to start nibbling on his neck, but I was in control (barely). After about 10 seconds or so, I step back. Not him, me. I tell him how sweet and hot he is and give him a little blessing. Like I had the energy to spare for a blessing, but he was worth it.
Thus it ends. Another adventure over and recorded for posterity. I just wish I had his posterior. LOL.
A domani, when I'll have another adventure to write!
Anyway, on with the show, after an intermission for my caffeine fix:
So where did I leave off. Oh yeah, the "I'm straight!"
Of course, you shoulda seen the look on my face. So I turn and look and there is this guy sitting over there, glasses, beard, decent clothes. But very str8. Of course, here I go. I start working on him, giving him the "I know you say you're str8, but you're in gay bar and I'll convert you" routine. Yes, I know you all know what that is. Hell, I'm sure you've all worked it a few times yourself. If you haven't, you should. It's a MIND SCRAMBLE.
So I find out that he's there with this group of people. The lesbian I told the tale to, two str8 girls, and a gay man. The str8 man is the gay man's employee. They had all been at the same drag show we had.
I tease and torture him about wanting to try the dark side (for him) so he could see what it's like and all. He denies it, of course. So my final parting shot is, "You know, you should just go ahead and do your underling here. No one will ever have to know and it will be your little secret."
Then I turn to the gay man and say, "Then, whenever you want a raise, you can just go to him." Ah, double entendres, my specialty. No one got the dual meaning except the str8 man. OMG! It makes me wonder just how str8 str8ie is...
At this point they go back inside and it's all over and done with.
Amber then asks, "Are those two over there really lesbians?" I look and say, "Um, yeah. The one on the right is. The one on the left is working to become a man." That's all I'm going to say on that. I made a major faux pas and I'm not going embarrass myself further by repeating it.
As we are leaving the patio, I see the guy I sorta kinda went out with several weeks ago (see "A Friday with Bagelbuoy" at http://bagelbuoy.blogspot.com. I tell him what Amber said and I once again reiterate, "Other than the one fluke, there are no str8 men here!"
"I'm straight!"
AAARRRGGGHHH. What is this, a conspiracy to make me look stupid???
So I turn my body and... OMG, this guy is HOT, with a double capital HOT. Dark hair and eyes, pale skin, fucking nice body (dude has to work out a LOT). Tasty! I really don't remember all that I said after that. I mean, c'mon, 4 rum and cokes and 5 jell-o shots later I'm looking at the most delicious specimen of maleness I have ever seen (sorry guys).
I'll give a synopsis of what I said. I did the whole str8 guy gay bar routine. Of course he laughs (lemme melt). I finally said, "Look, just give me 5 minutes in some dark corner. After that, you can go back to your girlfriend (who is nearby, lucky dog that she is). BUT, once you have good dick, you'll never go back to chick."
"But I've already got myself a good dick," he replies in that mind-fuckingly sultry bedroom voice of his, as he looks at my crotch then his.
"Really? If it's all that good, let me have a ride on it and I'll tell ya."
LOL, dude's face went completely blank. Then there was a smile, almost like he was thinking OK, then a twinkle in his eyes, and a full belly roaring laugh. "OMG," he says. "I knew you were thinking that, but I didn't think you had the balls to say it out loud!"
Shortly after this, when it's obvious that he isn't going to do anything with this "girlfriend" around, we say goodbye. He turns back to his friends and Amber and I leave the patio. Before I do, however, I just can't help with one last parting repartee. A physical one. I place my hand on the right butt cheek, move it across to the left butt cheek, and give it a nice, firm, squeeze. He turns and looks at me with a look like, "Who the FUCK is touching me", but he smiles real broad when he sees me and it's all OK.
After we're inside and Amber and I are getting all school girlish about the hottie, she's like, "Look." I look around but don't see anything. "OMG, look at that." I look around, but still it's niente. "Over there! BUTT CHEEKS!!!" So I finally see what's she's getting all googly about. There's a dude, wearing chaps and a thong, butt cheeks flapping in the wind.
"So? You see that all the time in here!" OMG, str8 girls are sooo fun.
Anyway, I get another drink (note: now 5 rum and cokes and 5 jell-o shots and I'm still coherent!) and head to the smaller bar that I like to call the make-out spot. We sit and talk about a variety of subjects totally unrelated to the topic of the story, when she says, "There's your new boyfriend." I look where she's pointing and there he is, 2d str8ie from the smoking patio. So, we sit there, talking. Well, she's talking, I'm making grunting noises as I watch that stud and imagine all the wickedly wild things I want to do to him.
As I'm watching, tho, I see that's he's talking to a guy I know. Well, sorta kinda know. Let's just say that I've seen him around, I've seen him almost naked (fucking nice chest), but have never "known" him. He's talking to Hottie. As I'm watching, Nice Chest leans forward, Hottie leans forward, and it looks like they kiss. OH NO HE DIDN'T! As Mr. Nice Chest leaves, I race down the steps and say, "What the hell was that?" At this point, my inner diva comes out and I start playing the jealous little queen.
"Uh..."
"You're 'not' gay and you give a kiss to the biggest manwhore in the bar? Dude!"
"I didn't kiss him."
"I was up there, I saw the whole thing!!!" I point toward Amber and she waves with that cheesy smile of hers.
"We didn't kiss. Honestly!!!"
"Uh huh!" I've got one hand on my hips and I'm waving one finger in his face. You ALL know what that is like. "You just stay right here. I'm going to keep an eye on you." I give him the once over (twice), "Two eyes, actually!"
The whole time I'm doing this he's laughing with me. He's not taking me serious and I'm not being serious. I go back up to where Amber is and sit a flounce. Then I get all schoolgirlish with her. HOWEVER, Hottie doesn't move from that position for the rest of the night. Also, somehow, he managed to keep that body of his in unrestricted view, until his girlfriend comes back.
In time, Amber is ready to leave. The big hookup is about to begin, and I try to tell her that we want to stay to see who is going home with whom, but she just doesn't care. As we are leaving, I stop and make one last play for Hottie. "How about this. You, me and girlfriend in a threesome. She can get her thing on with you, I can get my thang on with you, and you can decide which you like better. Then, you can do her up the hoohoo and I'll do you up the woowoo and everyone will be satisfied."
For a second, just a second, I see the temptation in his eyes. But then skank hugs him and starts rubbing his chest with one hand and the temptation is gone. Bitch just wouldn't play the game! Unless, of course, she knew he would like it too much...
Anyway, I say, "Fine, you can go home with her and get your groove on. But I gotta go home with this so she can get her groove on with her husband. What do I get, Mr. Left Hand?"
"Aww, I'm sorry. I'll give you a hug."
Exsqueezeme? "You so kind." He gives me a nice, long, manly man type of hug. I was SOOO tempted to start nibbling on his neck, but I was in control (barely). After about 10 seconds or so, I step back. Not him, me. I tell him how sweet and hot he is and give him a little blessing. Like I had the energy to spare for a blessing, but he was worth it.
Thus it ends. Another adventure over and recorded for posterity. I just wish I had his posterior. LOL.
A domani, when I'll have another adventure to write!
Friday, May 16, 2008
Drag Queens, Lesbians, Straight Boys and Me
Picture it, Sicily, 1908, lonely woman boards a ship bound for the US. Fast forward to 100 years later. Lonely house wife/fag hag calls her favourite homo. "Dude, Justin is going out with the boys. Let's do something. I WANNA SEE A DRAG QUEEN SHOW!" So, trusty mo gets on the net and voila! A show is found.
We get to Someplace Else (actual name of the bar) and it's dead. I mean DEAD! Where the fuck are the cute boys??? I see lesbians, older mos, a few twinks from the bad end of the gene pool, and a couple of guys who, at the best of times, might be called bar trolls, but are way past their prime. So we get few drinks (not good drinks, either) and grab a table.
Ooops, we arrived to early. Boredom. Look at the lebsian, look at the trolls, watch a couple of guys come in. The place is filling up. Oh, look, jell-o shots! Awesome!!!
Lil note on jell-o shot boy. He's twink, he's got spikey blonde hair, penciled eyebrows, tall. Totally enjoyable. On the second go around, I flirt with him a bit. I luvs to flirt! As jell-o shot boy is leaving he gives me the once over with his eyes. Once down then back up. As he meets my eyes he smiles. Niiiice.
Amber and I giggle a bit, get 3 more shots from the boy, and the show BEGINS! Wooot. It's a typical drag queen show. Men in flambouyant dresses and over done make-up. Bad lip-syncing and what you might call dancing if you were drunk and had a concussion. After a few acts, we leave.
Amber is like, "Dude, why did they put the best on first?" Sweetie, it's like this. It's a GAY BAR. You're there to drink, get drunk, and hook up. The show is a way to sweeten the mood. They put the best on first simply because by the end, you're so drunk you don't realize how bad the last one is.
So, off we go to TradeWinds. Yes, boys and girls, the hookup center of Columbus. We get there, get a drink, then I show her around. Ooops, bathroom break. Ooops, two guys by a urinal. One pissing the other helping him piss, hand on his penis and all. OK, I'm using the stall, I don't need help.
I go out, but Amber had to get a key. DUH. So as she goes in, I watch a shirtless man (thin, but defined) making out with his boyfriend. HEY, stop moving down there. That's THEM, not ME!
Amber comes out, I show her the toy/leather shop (there are a couple of items I WANT, but not that I NEED. Yet. They're sold out of the vibrating rubber penis', so I guess I'll have to wait until next time.
We go out to the smoking patio. As we sit there, I start talking to the lesbian across from me. At some point I say, "My friend and I figured out how lesbian's came into being." The blank look on her face says I've got her hooked. I move to sit next to her and say, "Here's how it goes. Back in the day, when humans where hunter gatherers, men would go out on their own. Of course, sex would happen. Men who liked to fuck men probably screwed the more manly women (can we say, bisexual) and, after a bit, the gene was there and homosexuals were created. After a bit, the ice age cometh. Then the bane of all men happened: SHRINKAGE! The cold was so intense that some men's penis' pulled back so far that they re-entered the body and became vaginas and the testicles pull and became ovaries. A few chemical alterations happened and voila: lesbians!
Then Amber says, "These men can't be gay." Uh, hello, GAY BAR. So I say, after a bit of explanation, that there aren't any str8 guys around.
"I'm straight!" WTF!
(To be continued...)
We get to Someplace Else (actual name of the bar) and it's dead. I mean DEAD! Where the fuck are the cute boys??? I see lesbians, older mos, a few twinks from the bad end of the gene pool, and a couple of guys who, at the best of times, might be called bar trolls, but are way past their prime. So we get few drinks (not good drinks, either) and grab a table.
Ooops, we arrived to early. Boredom. Look at the lebsian, look at the trolls, watch a couple of guys come in. The place is filling up. Oh, look, jell-o shots! Awesome!!!
Lil note on jell-o shot boy. He's twink, he's got spikey blonde hair, penciled eyebrows, tall. Totally enjoyable. On the second go around, I flirt with him a bit. I luvs to flirt! As jell-o shot boy is leaving he gives me the once over with his eyes. Once down then back up. As he meets my eyes he smiles. Niiiice.
Amber and I giggle a bit, get 3 more shots from the boy, and the show BEGINS! Wooot. It's a typical drag queen show. Men in flambouyant dresses and over done make-up. Bad lip-syncing and what you might call dancing if you were drunk and had a concussion. After a few acts, we leave.
Amber is like, "Dude, why did they put the best on first?" Sweetie, it's like this. It's a GAY BAR. You're there to drink, get drunk, and hook up. The show is a way to sweeten the mood. They put the best on first simply because by the end, you're so drunk you don't realize how bad the last one is.
So, off we go to TradeWinds. Yes, boys and girls, the hookup center of Columbus. We get there, get a drink, then I show her around. Ooops, bathroom break. Ooops, two guys by a urinal. One pissing the other helping him piss, hand on his penis and all. OK, I'm using the stall, I don't need help.
I go out, but Amber had to get a key. DUH. So as she goes in, I watch a shirtless man (thin, but defined) making out with his boyfriend. HEY, stop moving down there. That's THEM, not ME!
Amber comes out, I show her the toy/leather shop (there are a couple of items I WANT, but not that I NEED. Yet. They're sold out of the vibrating rubber penis', so I guess I'll have to wait until next time.
We go out to the smoking patio. As we sit there, I start talking to the lesbian across from me. At some point I say, "My friend and I figured out how lesbian's came into being." The blank look on her face says I've got her hooked. I move to sit next to her and say, "Here's how it goes. Back in the day, when humans where hunter gatherers, men would go out on their own. Of course, sex would happen. Men who liked to fuck men probably screwed the more manly women (can we say, bisexual) and, after a bit, the gene was there and homosexuals were created. After a bit, the ice age cometh. Then the bane of all men happened: SHRINKAGE! The cold was so intense that some men's penis' pulled back so far that they re-entered the body and became vaginas and the testicles pull and became ovaries. A few chemical alterations happened and voila: lesbians!
Then Amber says, "These men can't be gay." Uh, hello, GAY BAR. So I say, after a bit of explanation, that there aren't any str8 guys around.
"I'm straight!" WTF!
(To be continued...)
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