Picture it, Sicily, 1908, lonely woman boards a ship bound for the US. Fast forward to 100 years later. Lonely house wife/fag hag calls her favourite homo. "Dude, Justin is going out with the boys. Let's do something. I WANNA SEE A DRAG QUEEN SHOW!" So, trusty mo gets on the net and voila! A show is found.
We get to Someplace Else (actual name of the bar) and it's dead. I mean DEAD! Where the fuck are the cute boys??? I see lesbians, older mos, a few twinks from the bad end of the gene pool, and a couple of guys who, at the best of times, might be called bar trolls, but are way past their prime. So we get few drinks (not good drinks, either) and grab a table.
Ooops, we arrived to early. Boredom. Look at the lebsian, look at the trolls, watch a couple of guys come in. The place is filling up. Oh, look, jell-o shots! Awesome!!!
Lil note on jell-o shot boy. He's twink, he's got spikey blonde hair, penciled eyebrows, tall. Totally enjoyable. On the second go around, I flirt with him a bit. I luvs to flirt! As jell-o shot boy is leaving he gives me the once over with his eyes. Once down then back up. As he meets my eyes he smiles. Niiiice.
Amber and I giggle a bit, get 3 more shots from the boy, and the show BEGINS! Wooot. It's a typical drag queen show. Men in flambouyant dresses and over done make-up. Bad lip-syncing and what you might call dancing if you were drunk and had a concussion. After a few acts, we leave.
Amber is like, "Dude, why did they put the best on first?" Sweetie, it's like this. It's a GAY BAR. You're there to drink, get drunk, and hook up. The show is a way to sweeten the mood. They put the best on first simply because by the end, you're so drunk you don't realize how bad the last one is.
So, off we go to TradeWinds. Yes, boys and girls, the hookup center of Columbus. We get there, get a drink, then I show her around. Ooops, bathroom break. Ooops, two guys by a urinal. One pissing the other helping him piss, hand on his penis and all. OK, I'm using the stall, I don't need help.
I go out, but Amber had to get a key. DUH. So as she goes in, I watch a shirtless man (thin, but defined) making out with his boyfriend. HEY, stop moving down there. That's THEM, not ME!
Amber comes out, I show her the toy/leather shop (there are a couple of items I WANT, but not that I NEED. Yet. They're sold out of the vibrating rubber penis', so I guess I'll have to wait until next time.
We go out to the smoking patio. As we sit there, I start talking to the lesbian across from me. At some point I say, "My friend and I figured out how lesbian's came into being." The blank look on her face says I've got her hooked. I move to sit next to her and say, "Here's how it goes. Back in the day, when humans where hunter gatherers, men would go out on their own. Of course, sex would happen. Men who liked to fuck men probably screwed the more manly women (can we say, bisexual) and, after a bit, the gene was there and homosexuals were created. After a bit, the ice age cometh. Then the bane of all men happened: SHRINKAGE! The cold was so intense that some men's penis' pulled back so far that they re-entered the body and became vaginas and the testicles pull and became ovaries. A few chemical alterations happened and voila: lesbians!
Then Amber says, "These men can't be gay." Uh, hello, GAY BAR. So I say, after a bit of explanation, that there aren't any str8 guys around.
"I'm straight!" WTF!
(To be continued...)
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