Off to Hell I Go

Yay me! Once again I've managed to screw up yet ANOTHER relationship for just being who and what I am. While I hate to divulge the details of why, I'm going to anyway just because it's the only way I can make sense of what has happened. And, who knows, maybe you, the psychotic nut-job reading this, will be able to provide insight on what the hell I did wrong.

Disclaimer: I'm not going to use full names, just first initials. Also, I have no intention of toning down the language. So, off to see the wizard...

First off, I'm not good enough for J (the ex) according to J's friends. I'm too ugly to be with someone who has such a perfect smile and body (their words, not mine), I'm too stupid to be with someone of his towering intellect (again, their words), and, oh, by the way, I'M TOO FUCKING POOR! Because I do not have a six-figure income, it is intolerable that I should be seen with J. Only one of the friends, A, has shown even the modicum of compassion by saying, "Hand tight, dude!" The rest of them just insult me and put me down because I choose to work a blue collar job.

Then there's R, the lover/partner/friend who died in a car accident 7 years ago. I know I'll never replace R in his heart, and I'm never going to try to. I can't fight the dead. Yet I also do not expect to be compared to him all the time, too. One of the first things J told me was that I remind him of R. OK, moving on then. Now I find out that R was soft-spoken, he didn't speak to anyone rudely, even his friends liked him.

Which brings me to me. I'm not soft-spoken. I'm blunt, to the point, and very often rude. I have to be. I've been ramrodded enough in my life to know that if I don't stand up for my self, no one else will and I'll always be the asshole that gets the shaft, and not in a fun way, either.

Then there's all the decisions I've made in my life that have led me up to this point in my life. I don't consider them bad decisions (he does) but they were decisions I probably wouldn't choose again. However, that's hindsight and the past and it cannot be changed. I look at what I did as life experiences to be learned from. J asked me, "Do you think you'll ever get yourself turned around and make something of yourself?"

Yeah, so now I have to change and be a "better" man for him. Not only in personality but also in life choices and career.

Then, get this, his ex-boyfriend M has suddenly come back into his life. Now I get to hear all about M and how great M is and how wonderful it was to be with M and how he still loves M and that "M will always have a chance with me". What the mother fucking hell! Basically, it sounds as if J wants me, but only if I fundamentally change who and what I am and ONLY if M doesn't make a better offer.

Boy and girls, can we say, "BULLSHIT!"

Then there's the whole religion thing. We're two separate religions, we believe differently. He tells me that my religion is wrong, the way others act is wrong, we shouldn't talk badly about any other religion, and blah blah blah. You know, he's right. However, J, you should practice what you preach. If it's wrong for the others of my faith to do that, then shouldn't it be wrong for you also? All you have done is malign the members of my religion to me and talk bad about them and say that our faith is wrong.

Fine, we're wrong. However, not once did I talk bad about your faith or say that your belief systems were wrong. The first, only, and last discussion we had about religion went to hell in a hand basket so fast that I didn't want a repeat. I said that I didn't agree with that and all you did was try to ram down my throat how right you were and how wrong I was.

So, finally, after all the hoopla, I sent him this text message: "Your friends are correct. I'm just a white trash loser who has no right to be with you. Go and be with the perfect man for you, because with all my flaws, I'll never be what you want or need. I don't know why you thought you wanted to be with me and I should have known better and never started thinking it might work out. Amazing! I've now broken up with three guys in a row using text. I'm so FUCKING PATHETIC. Your friends will love this!"

Granted, you're only seeing one side of the whole story. We did have some great quality time together. He is a really nice guy and we probably could have had a great relationship together. However, I will NOT change FOR him. I'll change BECAUSE of him. He was attracted to me, with all my flaws, I was not initially attracted to him.

Enough, though. The past is done and I'm moving on. To save myself the heartache and to give him the out he was looking for (didn't know he was seeking), I became the lesser man. I could see the fiery, faggoty-orange writing on the wall. I've been through all this before. He hasn't.

So, guess what happens. He calls later. He didn't get my message. So I have to go through about 4 hours of bullshit until he convinces me that he is "better" than all the other guys I have dated before. HE would never treat me like they did. Against my better judgment I say, OK, prove to me you are different. We make up and I agree to call him today.

Guess what. I called that lame-assed skankoid whore 6 times in the space of 4 hours. "We're sorry, the number you have dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this message in error, please check your number and dial again."

WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING HELL!

Actually, I'm relieved. He proved to me that I was right about him. Since I can't call him and tell him off, I sent him an email:

What the hell is wrong with you? You spent all this morning convincing me you were not like the others I have dated, that you were better than they are. Fine, I decided to allow you to convince me of that for real. Call me, you say. Fine... I called 5 damn times today only to get that annoying message stating that your number has been disconnected or is no longer in service.

WTF! What kind of bullshit games are you playing? Are you getting off on inflicting this kind of emotional turmoil and torture or people? Don't tell me to call you and then make sure your line is turned off.

Your right in one way, you are NOT like the others I have dated, you are worse. None of them ever led me on in such a manner. You have proved to me that I was right about this pending relationship. I knew it wasn't going to work and now you have justified the feelings I have had the past week.

Maybe it wasn't you and it was your friends playing "games". Actually it doesn't matter. Even if it was your so-called friends, then you have more problems than you know about. How dare they play around with your life in such a manner. If this was all them trying to keep me from contacting you, then THEY have cost you this relationship.

Now, go back to your friends, go back to M, go back to your life. Just do not EVER contact me again.

If you breeders have to go through all this bullshit just to get a relationship, it's a wonder the human race hasn't already become extinct! GAH, it can NOT be this hard, can it?

Thus ends another boring as fuck chapter in the life of the Bagelbuoy! Au revoir, mes ami!

The Roads to Hell and to Heaven

You know what, I think I must be the biggest bitch in the world. Either that or I expect to much from my friends. Where to start, where to start?

Let's just say that, once again, I've forgiven those that have done wrong by me, only to be fucking kicked in the gut by these same people. Why do I even bother?

On flip side, I heard from that assmonkey fucker Travis. He "misses" me. BITCH, you're the one that ruined the whole damned relationship by making assumptions.

Now I've had to go and delete more people from lists that I thought were stable. Guess that's what I get for thinking.

As for the title of this blog... The road to hell is paved with good intentions. So also is the road to heaven. If our intentions are always good, how the fuck are we to know where we are going?

Update

I finally read the text messages. HE had no clue about the money. She said she had it ready for me. Explained to HIM what the money was to be used for 2 weeks ago. Explained to HER that since no one else wanted to go out with me, maybe they'd want to go out with my money. After all, it's the money that buys the booze, not me.

The Final Conclusion

Okay, after the last posting and now, it' been just less than two weeks. In that amount of time I've come to the conclusion that friends are just NOT worth the flesh they're made of. To hammer that point home to those idiots that just don't seem to understand that shit stinks, I've gone through all the sites I inhabit and deleted the majority of the people that were old friends, new friends, "other" friends, and anything else you'd have listed. Out of the over 150 people i've talk to, emailed, or whatever over the past 1 1/2 years, only 3 of the bastards even realized that they were missing from my profile.

Of course they want re-added and of course, me being the high strung drama queen everyone expects me to be, told them fuck no. So then begins the "Why'd you delete me? Why'd you delete me? Why'd you delete me? Why'd you delete me?" To help them understand, I explain to them why I deleted people. On some sites, ALL people. "But why'd you delete ME?" BITCH, can any of you tell me my middle name? Do any of you KNOW my true age? What I'm looking for? What I'm attracted to? What motivates half the shit I do?

Case in point. A little bit ago I loaned the "Will & Grace" in my life some money for gas on the understanding that they would pay me back. I didn't go after the money, nor expect it back in a timely manner. I figure when I got it back, it would be whenever they were ready and could afford to pay me. A few weeks pass and I ask HIM to go out with me and have fun. Um, that would've been about 2 weeks ago. He whines about not having any money, so I say, "Well, SHE owes me that money, so we can use that money for you." He's like all YAY!, then I never heard back from him. Hence part of the debacle 2 weeks ago.

So, as I rage and write off the losers in my life, I sent them a message stating that I would gift them the money. "Friends are just fucking amazing, aren't they?" Me at my sarcastic best. So now, all of a sudden, I have text messages on my phone from them. It's either going to be, "Oh, thank you" or "You said HE could use it" or "HUH?" Neither one of them get the idea that I'm writing them out of my life for good.

To be fair, I haven't read the messages, and they be all polite and contrite and oh so very FUCKING SORRY. You know, friendship is a two way street. I've always been there for them, going out of my way to help when I didn't feel like I had an obligation to. Where were they when I needed them? I need to get out, be with friends I can understand and who can relate to me. Why couldn't ANY of them, not just HIM and HER, be there for me?

It's quite simple why. There are people in society who like to help, like to give of themselves for those around them, until it destroys them. The rest of society is just there to use and abuse the first group because they just do not have the compassion and decency to do the right thing. Not necessarily the safe thing, but the right thing.

Well, enough of this. I don't feel sorry about what I'm doing. All through my life I've reached a certain amount bullshit from people then I cut my losses and move on. I never EVER look back with regret on any of my actions. My philosophy will now be: If my friends can not take the time to be with me when I need them, then I don't need them, and they will never be my friends.

Call me an asshole, a high-strung drama queen, a fucking bitch on a tirade. You know what, I've been called worse by my friends, there's nothing my enemies or strangers can do to make me feel worse.