What a week!

Ever had one of those days where you have a lot of important shit to do but just can't seem to do it? The whole past week has been like that for me! I have two papers due, one last Thursday and one today, neither of which is done. That is the whole reason that I'm up at such an ungodly hour. I at least need to get the one due for today done. The other I'll take in tomorrow and just kiss ass.

Why did I procrastinate so bad? I just can't seem to focus. (Yes, Mama Laura, I've been taking my meds.) All I've wanted to be is a party boy. I want to go out, get fraggin' wasted, pick up some stud (or get picked up), and have some really wild sex. Do you realize how much self control it takes to just sit at home and do nothing?

I've had a couple of online invitations to chat. One is a guy from Russia, another from Washington (the state), and two from here in Columbus! There is also one in Akron that I want to get to know better. Dark hair, hazel eyes, dark and moody... Just my type. At least, the type that I'm attracted to the most. Gonna have to take it slow and easy with him. I've read a some of his journal entries and he expects to be "hooked" into a conversation by a guy, not have to lead one.

Well, my papers aren't getting done this way. Must run.

Ciao tutti!

New Clothes

Okay, my new friends Helene and Kona came over and completely trashed my wardrobe. Evidentally, if I want to get out on the market, I need a set of clothes that says: "Sono qui, sono strano, sono favoloso". Maybe not the best translation, but my italiano is rusty. Although there were some things that they liked, I've got a whole list of things that need updated.

Guess it's off Lazarus, Penney's, and whatever stud shop I can find to locate what I need. I don't think a quick stop at the Thrift Store is going to work. If they found me there, or in clothes I bought from there, they'd shoot me.

Not exactly what I was planning on doing tonight, but maybe I can hit The Old Bag of Nails for a drink or two after spending beacoup bucks. Besides, a lot of cute guys hang out there!

Ciao tutti!

Why Bagelbuoy?

So, you are probably wondering why I chose bagelbuoy as my blogspot name and email addy. Well, even if you're not, I'm gonna tell ya anyway.

One guess who it references... Yep, you're right. It's still all about Kevin. I know, I know, this is getting creepy. You would think I would get a life outside of my infatuation, and I have, but sometimes wallowing in my own misery is just gratifying.

On the last day I actually saw and spoke with Kevin, he mentioned that he wanted to stay in the EU, if he could find a job. Since he was a US citizen and only had a Bachelor's of English in Pre-Ed, I told him that the most he could hope for was a job as a bagel boy in some Parisian cafe.

This quarter I took another class in creative writing and I decided to have my final project be about my rollercoaster ride from the Spring Quarter. Since I wanted the "Scooby-doo" ending, I had Kevin send me an email from Paris, asking me to join him there. The email addy he used was bagelbuoy@yahoo.fr. Just to make sure that some French stud didn't get hammered with junk mail from my class, I tried to get a yahoo mail account as either bagelboy or bagelboi. Both were used. Then my genius kicked in and I thought buoy, with the way we pronounce it in the US, sounds an awful lot like boy.

So, bagelbuoy was born. I decided to keep it as my own, just as I have several others I collected over the years: mrkmurfitt, tomf, and now bagelbuoy. Mrkmurfit is the first guy I had a crush on, way back in high school. TomF is a guy I worked with for 4 years. TomF and I flirted with each other the whole time but neither of us had the bahogies to go to the next step. Now there's Kevin as bagelbuoy.

Allora, ragazzi, I must go. If it's Friday night, it's pizza night AND, if I hear from Rick, it's party night.
Ciao tutti!

What did I do?

To continue in the same vane, I'm a nervous wreck. Throughout the past six weeks I've sent a few emails to Kevin while he was in Europe. The first few weren't so bad. All things considered they were rather tame. The last one wasn't bad either. It was just last week and it was after I'd seen him at the airport (after I'd calmed down). I just told him that I'd seen him waiting for my airplane but a brain fart kept me from saying anything.

It was one of the ones in the middle that scares the crap outta me. First off, I was very drunk. Drunk enough that I couldn't remember sending it. At first I thought it was just a dream, but I kept having this nagging suspicion that there was something to it. So, after a few weeks of looking I finally located it. It wasn't anything overt, but there was this undercurrent of... Desperation? Desire? It's really hard to figure out. My friend Laura, after I forwarded it to her, just said, "Oh, my". Nothing else, just those two words. Then she comes back and says, "It wasn't that bad".

Yeah, right! Like I believe that.

Now my biggest fear falls into two areas: Will he respond, giving me a chance to figure out if there's a possibility of a relationship? OR, will he do nothing and force me to move on?

Part of me, in my head and in my heart, is yelling and screaming, "Do nothing! Let it go, don't respond!" Pathetic, I know. If he were to just let this go, I wouldn't have to do anything. I could pretend to get over it and move on. I'll let my friends find me someone to distract me.

Yet, the other part of me is hurt because he hasn't responded yet. He's been home for five days. He's had time to talk with his family, catch up with his friends, look at his email. Just not enough time to reply to me and either say "bugger off" or "let's meet".

Whichever way it goes, whatever happens, there'll be no regrets. Not on my part. I will always love him. It is irrevelant if he ever returns the feeling. It is irrevelant if he ever knows how I feel.

Y'know, love sucks!

Here I Go

Okay, most of you who are reading this now know me and know how hopeless I am when it comes to matters of love. After ten years I finally allowed (yes, the wording is correct) myself to fall for someone else. His name's Kevin. He's cute, he's sweet, he's everything I was looking for. But, since it's been so long since I felt this way, I never said anything to him. I'd fogotten how. So I let myself love him from a distance and I pined and whined, then I wined myself into oblivion. Without going into the heartrending details, let's just say I had it bad and my friends were getting tired of listening to me.

When the quarter was over he graduated and left for Europe and I spent six weeks getting over him. Every morning, every evening, all I could do was think of him. There's a song that I think accurately describes how I felt (still feel). "On my own, pretending he's beside me...." Anyway, it's "On My Own" from Les Miserables.

It was hard, but I have just begun looking at other guys. So, now there's Dean. He's cute and friendly and nice and I'm actually thinking of asking him out. It's just, there is nothing there. There is no spark like I had with Kevin. Still, I have hope that something will come of it.

Now for the kicker. I went to Chicago for the pleasure of business last week. The usual cliche thing happened: my plane was late. So there I was, sitting at the gate, reading one of my Bond books, riding on the fumes of the previous night's alcoholic binge and only 3 hours of sleep. I have to admit, I like the eye candy and I was checking out every guy that went by. About twenty minutes after my plane was supposed to arrive, I look up and these two guys walk by. The one furthest from me was hot. The one closest to me was even hotter and I thought, "Damn, he looks like Kevin." Then, that guy looks over in my direction and it was Kevin.

I just sat there. My heart's pounding, my palms are sweaty, I'm light headed, and I didn't say a word. Not a fucking word. All I could do was sit there and watch him walk away again. I let him walk away once before and it nearly tore me apart. Now I've let the same thing happen again. It was a one in a million chance of ever seeing him again. If my airplane had been on time I never would have seen him. Curse or Blessing? Or Both?

What can I say? I'm hopeless!