Here I Go

Okay, most of you who are reading this now know me and know how hopeless I am when it comes to matters of love. After ten years I finally allowed (yes, the wording is correct) myself to fall for someone else. His name's Kevin. He's cute, he's sweet, he's everything I was looking for. But, since it's been so long since I felt this way, I never said anything to him. I'd fogotten how. So I let myself love him from a distance and I pined and whined, then I wined myself into oblivion. Without going into the heartrending details, let's just say I had it bad and my friends were getting tired of listening to me.

When the quarter was over he graduated and left for Europe and I spent six weeks getting over him. Every morning, every evening, all I could do was think of him. There's a song that I think accurately describes how I felt (still feel). "On my own, pretending he's beside me...." Anyway, it's "On My Own" from Les Miserables.

It was hard, but I have just begun looking at other guys. So, now there's Dean. He's cute and friendly and nice and I'm actually thinking of asking him out. It's just, there is nothing there. There is no spark like I had with Kevin. Still, I have hope that something will come of it.

Now for the kicker. I went to Chicago for the pleasure of business last week. The usual cliche thing happened: my plane was late. So there I was, sitting at the gate, reading one of my Bond books, riding on the fumes of the previous night's alcoholic binge and only 3 hours of sleep. I have to admit, I like the eye candy and I was checking out every guy that went by. About twenty minutes after my plane was supposed to arrive, I look up and these two guys walk by. The one furthest from me was hot. The one closest to me was even hotter and I thought, "Damn, he looks like Kevin." Then, that guy looks over in my direction and it was Kevin.

I just sat there. My heart's pounding, my palms are sweaty, I'm light headed, and I didn't say a word. Not a fucking word. All I could do was sit there and watch him walk away again. I let him walk away once before and it nearly tore me apart. Now I've let the same thing happen again. It was a one in a million chance of ever seeing him again. If my airplane had been on time I never would have seen him. Curse or Blessing? Or Both?

What can I say? I'm hopeless!