To continue in the same vane, I'm a nervous wreck. Throughout the past six weeks I've sent a few emails to Kevin while he was in Europe. The first few weren't so bad. All things considered they were rather tame. The last one wasn't bad either. It was just last week and it was after I'd seen him at the airport (after I'd calmed down). I just told him that I'd seen him waiting for my airplane but a brain fart kept me from saying anything.
It was one of the ones in the middle that scares the crap outta me. First off, I was very drunk. Drunk enough that I couldn't remember sending it. At first I thought it was just a dream, but I kept having this nagging suspicion that there was something to it. So, after a few weeks of looking I finally located it. It wasn't anything overt, but there was this undercurrent of... Desperation? Desire? It's really hard to figure out. My friend Laura, after I forwarded it to her, just said, "Oh, my". Nothing else, just those two words. Then she comes back and says, "It wasn't that bad".
Yeah, right! Like I believe that.
Now my biggest fear falls into two areas: Will he respond, giving me a chance to figure out if there's a possibility of a relationship? OR, will he do nothing and force me to move on?
Part of me, in my head and in my heart, is yelling and screaming, "Do nothing! Let it go, don't respond!" Pathetic, I know. If he were to just let this go, I wouldn't have to do anything. I could pretend to get over it and move on. I'll let my friends find me someone to distract me.
Yet, the other part of me is hurt because he hasn't responded yet. He's been home for five days. He's had time to talk with his family, catch up with his friends, look at his email. Just not enough time to reply to me and either say "bugger off" or "let's meet".
Whichever way it goes, whatever happens, there'll be no regrets. Not on my part. I will always love him. It is irrevelant if he ever returns the feeling. It is irrevelant if he ever knows how I feel.
Y'know, love sucks!
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1 comment:
Keep your chin up. He may not be the right guy. Trust me, I have been through it before. I was 'out' almost 10 years, been through countless flings, and many boyfriends. I was in my first real relationship for 2 years, when it ended I was hurt so bad that I had to move out of state for a year to get over the relationship.
Then I met my guy. It happened when I wasn't looking for anyone. In fact I fought against the relationship for a few weeks. Then for whatever reason, I knew he was and is my Mr. Right. We have been together 6 years and are still going strong.
Go out, get laid, have fun. Mr. Right will come along when you aren't expecting it.
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