I Feel So Lost

The title describes this feeling the best, and I can't begin to tell you why. Though I am going to give it a shot.

I started reading this blog earlier tonight. I won't give the name of the person, or the site it's located on, because just reading has become sorta inspirational. I'm sure the guy who wrote it would be all embarrassed by it, but it's the truth. It's also depressing because I can see in him all that I will never be. Why, because he at least is living his life, not hiding in some limbo world. Waiting. Wasting.

All his ups & downs, disappointments, triumphs & failures, love, and love lost.

Sure, I've gone through all that, and even had fun doing it. Not anymore. Much of what I used to do, I try to do again, but it means nothing. Just a quick flash of lightning in the night. I get no joy from it.

Maybe it's the love and love lost.

I've had my crushes. The last, and most intoxicating, was with Kevin. But it was just a crush and it never went anywhere. I never even tried to get a relationship to go anywhere with him. A missed opportunity that I will always regret. If you read through the blog you'll read about my last love, the flash, the flame, and the agonizing burnout. Since then? Niente!

And that's just it. Just like everyone out there, I want to love and be loved. To make a life with that special someone who would... Ah, how to describe what I want. Someone once told me that they would know their true love in one way. He said, "I will look into his eyes and see my love for him."

I had to think long and hard about that, but it finally came to me. He wasn't just being a little Narcissus. I envied him after that. Whether or not he found what he was looking for, I will never know. But, thinking back, I have never been able to look into my lover's eyes and see aught but my reflection looking back at me. I'm sure that's not what he meant.

I have had a lot of people hitting on me lately. People that I find quite attractive. People that I am not interested in. A year ago I would've been all over them, but now I look at them and think, "Nice, but is he for me? What does he want?" Gays, especially in Columbus, seem to have this one bad habit. To make friends, they have sex. While I'm all about sex, it just doesn't hold the power over me it used to. I don't want to have sex just to make friends. I want to have sex with someone I love.

Has it happened? I don't think so. There have been a few guys I thought I would like to create a relationship with. But, like with Kevin, they were missed opportunities. I let them be missed opportunities. I probably made them into missed opportunities. Why? I think as much as I want a relationship, I am totally afraid of one. I've seen too many guys & girls (straight and gay) get into relationships that end in such utter failures. I've helped several of them pick up the pieces afterward. I just don't want to go through that. Three times was hard enough, I'm not sure I could do it again. And yet, I realize that to find that one person, I will need to suffer more disappointments. More heartbreak.

I try hard not to look at my life as a failure. Whether it be my love life or anything else. A lot of the time I call myself a loser and move on. I'm not deserving of anything better. Yet, I try to remember two quotes. One is quite simple, the other is infinitely more complex. They are:

From Tracie, in the movie 'On Her Majesties Secret Service': "...whatever happens, there will be no regrets." I try to remember to look at everything I do as an experience that enriches my life in some ways. I should live, learn, and keep going. Regret nothing. In regretting, you admit that you have learned nothing.

The next is from the TV series 'Stargate SG-1'. It is spoken by Oma Desala to Daniel Jackson: "The success or failure of your deeds does not add up to the sum of your life. Your spirit cannot be weighed! Judge yourself by the intentions of your actions, and by the strength with which you faced the challenges that have stood in your way. The Universe is vast, and we are so very small, there is only truly one thing we can control; whether we are good or evil..." Struggle through that as much as you want. I got the understanding of it; and, in the remembering of it, I am content.

Well, I've been maudlin long enough. I even think I've gone beyond what I wanted to say.

Ci vediamo, ragazzi!